Jun 30, 2013

Ouch! How to Feel Like the World's Biggest Jerk in Two Quick Steps...

Wow!  Last night sure did turn on a dime for the Shelton household.  I was only about ten steps away from chowing down on some sauteed peppers and onions and faux sausage sandwiches while we started a horror movie when I discovered something.  Brittle old dog bones break pretty damned easily!  If you ever want to feel like a complete a-hole, I found a way do it in the amount of time it takes to blink.  All you need is the sweetest dog you have ever known and some steel toe boots.  

I was so ready to pounce on my high brow, white trash dinner ( you can take the boy out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the boy ) when I came strolling out of the kitchen at full stride.  My hands were full; a plate of nummy, mayonnaise slathered bread loaded down with the aforementioned veggies and fake italian sausages in one hand and my glass of water in the other, which is precisely why I never saw our beloved Jasmine who was laying right in the middle of the beeline I had made for my spot in the living room.  Here is the simple, two step procedure for breaking your own heart, and the ever-so fragile front leg of a dog who is almost 100 human years old:  Step 1)  Step on the paw of said dog with your right foot, then proceed to...  Step 2)  While still pinning the dog's paw to the floor with your right foot, and while walking at full speed, clip the fragile area just above the dog's arthritic elbow with your left foot at the perfect angle to snap her humerus in two.  Now you are the World's Biggest Jerk.  Congratulations!  It takes practice to be able to do this consistently. I'm pretty sure my success was what they call "beginner's luck".  Where I showed extraordinary control was in the area of peripheral damage.  Not only was I able to avoid an embarrassing ass bust after Jasmine's unprovoked attack ( I may never feel safe walking past her again! ) but I managed to hang onto both my dinner and my glass of water with only a few drops making it to the floor!  As though breaking the sweetest dog ever wasn't enough of an accomplishment. "No Sweetie, I don't think she hurt my boots.  Relax, my dinner is okay!  Jasmine, where did you get that leg?  Put it down!"  

Spending the night at the emergency vet is never what anyone plans to do on a Saturday night, but once Jasmine hobbled across the floor doing her very best Joe Theissman impression we knew the vet was exactly where we would spend the next few hours.  Imagine your arm, detached from your body but flopping all over the place as though it was on a very thin, loose spring. She did very well, all things considered, and is already adjusting to walking on three legs.  Her recovery will no doubt be difficult at times, but dogs seem to be able to overcome hardship much faster than people.  I think I actually felt worse last night than I did when I slammed... and locked my grandmother's finger in a car door many years ago.  Animals seem so much more helpless than little old ladies.  But then again, having your grandmother pound on the glass while you are trying to figure out why she started yelling at you seemed pretty helpless too.  I never have forgiven her for speaking to me that way.  "I'll open the door when you calm down, Ruby!"  Her finger is relatively straight now, as I knew would eventually be the case.  But do you think she wanted to hear that as my grandfather actually had to get out of the driver's seat and walk around the car to unlock the door?  Hell no!  Some people simply don't want to hear the truth when all they can think about is themselves.  

All kidding aside, neither Jasmine nor Ruby deserved to be disfigured, but then again they may have needed to be taught lessons.  Maybe they should have thought about what could happen before they crossed me.  I'm unpredictable.  A powder keg of clumsy, reckless endangerment.  Sometimes you can find me by following the trail of confused loved ones, crying aloud "What did I do?  How did this happen?  We were just talking.  Will I ever walk again?"  When people get too comfortable, someone has to keep it "real", right?  The Real Keeper, that's me.  Don't make eye contact and you just might live to tell your little ones about the time you barely avoided mutilation at the hands of... The Red Headed Step Child. Don't think even for one second that my grandmother was the last person to have their finger smashed in a car door by me.  Many have paid the price for getting too close!  Be warned.

Just so no one worries, we have had all of Jasmine's information sent to our regular vet who will hopefully take her first thing in the morning to set her leg.  She is just the sweetest thing ever!  She really is doing remarkably well, and if her positive, little doggie "can do" attitude stays as strong as it has today, she'll be just fine in a few short weeks.  I recommend looking around from time to time when you're excited about something, even if it is just dinner. Life will slap you back into reality if you get too careless, or single-minded of purpose.  Just ask Jasmine. 

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